Trials

I realize that there are some things that you just shouldn't blog about and that is probably the case with this post.  But this is my journal and I want to document what I have been going through and hopefully help someone that may go through something like this in the future.  So if you are uncomfortable with too much information... you have been warned.

This last week has been one of the most difficult weeks of my life.  Last Monday I went in for my 10 week ultrasound at the OB. No you didn't know I was pregnant because we had not told ANYONE.  As soon as the Dr. started the ultrasound she immediately said "I don't like what I see here".  Long story short she told me that after 10 weeks of being really sick I was going to have a miscarriage.  

Although I was really sad and trying desperately not to cry in the office, I had a feeling of comfort and I knew that this was the Lord's will.  That didn't mean I was happy about it, I just accepted it while I spent the rest of the day crying.

  

I have never had a miscarriage so I assumed that I would just have a lot of bleeding for a couple of days, possibly a D&C and it would be over.  I thought the worst part was the sadness over loosing the baby.  I had no idea what was about to happen. I will omit the gory details but by Wednesday she gave me a prescription to help my cervix dilate and told me that I should not be left alone for the next two days. FYI-I have had 3 C sections because my cervix just will not dilate.   Eric took 2 days off and stayed home with me. I have never been in so much pain in my life. It just kept getting stronger and stronger until I could not breath. I went into what I can only assume was labor and there was nothing I could do about it. If I was in the hospital having a baby I could have asked for an epideral, but laying in my bed the only option I had was Tylenol with codeine. It did not help at all.  Eric stayed with me as I laid in bed sweating and trying to breath.  I realize that there are lots of people that deliver full term babies naturally and so I sound like a big wimp, I guess I am.

The doctor called on Friday morning to have me come in for another ultrasound to make sure I had passed all the "products" as she called it and I had.  Again I thought I was through the worst. Then Saturday the hormones started. I feel constantly like I need to cry, I am angry at everyone for no reason and I really just want to be left alone.  After each of my kids I had this type of baby blues, but never expected it with a miscarriage. 

I know that we have trials to help us learn and grow and this has been a whopper of a trial for me. I have learned and am still learning a lot from this. I feel so sympathetic now for people that have had fertility problems and multiple miscarriages.  I was so overwhelmed by the service we received from our Ward and wonderful friends that were willing to watch our kids and bring over dinners ect. 

I think I am a relatively strong person with a high pain tolerance and this completely pushed me to my limit emotionally and physically. I know that I am still not over it but I am able to talk and blog about it, so I know I am getting there.  

Thankfully we never told our kids... Ruby still prays for her guinea pig that died two years ago.